3 months to be like 30 years...

... the day when I stopped looking at my hometown and started dreaming about the career outside my state, everything has already been started by that time.

Every child does have their own dream and I also. Like I said before I was a Silence Realizer, I didn't stop dreaming about my whole Dream.

..dream to be a social activist first
..dream to be a doctor
..dream to be a business man
..dream to be an engineer in Electrical
..dream to be in Information Technology
..dream to be in IIM A

mostly I achieved the dream the way I thought though I didn't reach to the destination of it. I couldn't be able to fulfill myself rather. Staying away from home and do all the works without any appreciations from your family and friends is another worst situation to live.

..everything started when Dusherra holiday plan started and we together planned for everything. Shoppings at T Nagar, Big Billion Days' Offer in Flipkart, Amazon's liking shopping, Myntra's stylish dresses. We did everything we wanted to do. I was realizing something odd every time even I was with you. Finally we traveled in the luxurious trip in Premium Train.

The train was superb with its luxurious seats and food of it. And we have reached our hometown on the right time and we both were happy enough as this was our first Dusherra Holiday after 5 years outside hometown.

Nextday she came to see me as we came to our respective homes, but she was very unhappy and frustrated. I understood situation and we roamed around here and there to spend time with each other at our own home city. We did shopping but she was unhappy with my behavior and She was right with my ordinary behavior. WE both engaged in quarrel and separated then went each other's home.

First time I felt something wrong in it and I should have understood all these. She didn't even look at my face while I was dropping her through train. Train stayed for long, I was outside of the coach. She didn't even look at my face and didn't respond even while train started running. I was really very sorry what happened that day. I thought everything would be corrected while returning and I would make her understand the situation.

all the things started when she denied to come with me to Chennai and to stay here. Again I was in casual mood and I should have spoken something on that. I felt very normal and left the topic as normal. She decided and told me finally that she is not coming with me to Chennai and she wanted to prepare for GATE and need to stay in the hometown.

I tried a lot to make her feel that I was sorry for everything and wanted to make her do right decision but in vein.

..no one even wants to feel the was I felt. I cried the whole night and couldn't able to sleep though I was in my home town.

my life started to be darken and every single day I am spending like I am nowhere. The whole journey via train was very awful and felt very bad. Was crying sometime while in journey. I am writing all the things just the way I feel now.

I became very familiar and used to spending time with you. I do listen your voice, see your face while wake up and while going to bed. All the moments I do think of you and used to be controlled by your emotions. How can I stay alone in the city where I don't have anybody to look at. Not a single night I have when I spent half sleep and do think of you.

Humble request from my heart, please do right decision and come to me. I am really sorry for everything I did/do.

I remember the way you touch my palm and my face if I am sad. I really miss you and your involvement in my life. I do care about you and your extensive touch in my life.

You are saying it would be 3 months. I am at day 1 and how can I do all these and living life alone away from my home. Tell me!

I understand the situation which I am responsible for. But mean-a-while I am not able to stay/live my life. I am unsure about the things could have happened in these so long 3 months like 30 years of my life.

Day 2 is not coming as I am waiting for Day 1 to finish. Seems like all are laughing and scaring me at my loneliness. If you would be here with me you could have fought all these situation to make me escape from this. How long I should see the while situation.

I am feeling like a kid with his mother away for sometime and the was I feel is very akin to it. I feel the way the Moon feels about the full Moon. Waiting for a month and again getting the full happiest face, Moon used to be alive. I feel the way winter comes in a year and farmer thinks all about it about his grains/crops.

Tell me the reason and tips to stay calm all these days away from you.

Hyderabad Calling...

And I am answering the call...

I never thought I would feel this way. Rounds and rounds of shopping done, lists made, planned and re-planned everything, empty shelves, bags packed,  clean room and my heart - filled with vacuum.

Amusingly, Most my bags are filled with "Blue" color. I don't know why I choose that color each time I shop. When someone asks me for my favorite color, I say "Black" or even "White" or "depends" but still I choose blue when given a choice!
And right now, I am Blue!

Cried like a baby when my mother talked about being an independent child and taking care of myself in Hyderabad. I always wanted this life but my empty room makes me feel so depressed. Writing this post is another atrocious experience.

All final preparations have been done, Last calls from best friends and last messages from cousins have been wrapped up. But how should I wrap up this empty feeling?

Like I am running away from my responsibilities, Like I am losing something very near to me, Like I am being self centered and pursuing my dreams on cost of my duties. Duties of being my parent's kid, of being a friend, of being there for people who have always been there for me, of being a shoulder to cry on when mum had something to share!!
I love my mom, my dad n even "Gelu"!!!

Why can't I stay at home? Why am I so aspirational?  Why can't I make a future in the city where I was born? Why am I doing this.... to myself and my near ones? Why is it so important to constantly keep running?

Anyways, my priorities are set, the choices are made, and I made them.
My parents supported me through out with this and I just can't thank them enough for believing me and my dreams. My mom has always been my support system and somewhere I want to live upto her expectations , thus the chase... thus the burning desire to be the best! I don't know how crucial this move is in to shape my future, how much I will be able 2 achieve out of it, how much worth it is of all the sacrifice..

All I know is, it’s now or never.
And I don't want to regret later for the choices I made.
It’s not easy, well nothing is!
And I am going to give it my best shot.

So, adios to everyone! I may be busy there but gimme a call whenever you want to! I'll always be there!
Love You Guys!!!

P.S: I'll especially miss you: Gelu ! the long conversations on phone, the shopping, the coffee n the couches, your advice, n everything!!  I'll miss them all! Please stay in touch!!!

....friends in my loneliness

...........The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.
Yes you are right I created my loneliness in my life and at the same seconds of life you made my life beautiful.
I created the so called LONELINESS by not talking to you only but the moments I need you badly creates the loneliness.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone"-as according to you  Orson Welles
And due effects of illusion Happiness comes to our life.And I am very sure about all the illusions both Love and Friendship.

Whenever we have the friend circle without limitations and that reflects in our life as Demonstration of Loneliness  just because of which we are surrounded by the Crowds .
...but  now though the crowds as accordance to their position still I am alone in my Loneliness.

Loneliness in the busy street

...on the behalf of my loneliness i have created and they are my intimate friends in this water bloom loneliness.

Me as my lifetime friend moreover:
me and my soul are two of my cousins and friends too.
rare in a moment I have to find them in my loneliness and they share each thoughts in my diary.
i share and quarrel with "me" just to demonstrate myself and "me" helps a lot & slaps,uses slangs on me.

Me as my friend

...now even if in the "water mark" like life though I am with you still  Me as my lifetime friend moreover:
you can't talk to me for a while and i have requested "Me " for that sake. However I am very okay with you coz you are enjoying a lot what i want you to be the part of enjoyment like seeing movie with saying as surrounding and birthday party. Leave me alone and i am very much comfortable with "Me". Thanks "Me" for all of your support.

...viewing my Blog and murmuring a lot what else in my loneliness
blogging is my another and may this is my best friend because for a while i always tell all of my tears & happiness to this and it teaches me to handle all types of situation and mostly i like it most.
If you are not in-touch with me or you are with me all the time you "My Blog" in front of you share all.

....my near and dear diary you are also my "Pen Friend"
you held my tears on your page and got to cause for my happiness in loneliness.you detailed my life as on your pages and gave me that much of courage to tackle all the situation.

thanks my virtual friends in my life which could not live without all of you......

Tears rarely not in front of you....

.....sorry sis kunchu!!!
what i did in the past and i am realizing today in your absence in three void rooms.
"The chair where you mostly sit there and for which i was the part of quarrel with you now missing all these quarrels."
"The room for which i quarreled with you now all three rooms are voids without you and all i missed you a lot."

....the days we were each other were my happiest days with my sisters basically i miss you a lot.
you are the loveliest sister and i miss all those quarreling moments.

...maa cried a lot in the station and i just hold on my tears in my eye though i want to cry by shouting.
but moreover i have to hold my maa and i couldn't watch on those tears. I couldn't think off what to do and only one sentence on my mouth "Maa!!! She is going to Hyderabad not to the in-Laws house and she is going to the destination which you want for her."

....in the railway station Munu was also crying but what she had in mind i don't know but i am sure she is remembering you a lot. kunchu!!! really you cared for munu a lot and may that was solly reason for tears on Munu's face.

By reaching home i can't control my tears behind my specs. I tried to speak up with you Gelu and you just left me an sms "Call you later.surr". Really i cried a lot on the roof and you Gelu not even if in the line.
if you speak up once may be some how i would cry a little and remember something else .
okay Gelu do not mind and you also got much pain away from your home.sorry Gelu but i want to speak up once. It's Okay.

.....now after a while Mama and Me are alone in my room and miss you Kunchu a lot...

I find myself in "Y" "O" "U".

Finally I felt your satisfaction on you because of me but you are the of course reason for the whole thing and for my life' smoother way. I always want to do a lot of things for you and may be it's the beginning of this life to do a lot of thing for you.

During my journey in Engineering may be now I am so much happy and the reason is You and only "Y""O""U"

I am crying when I'm getting you and when I find myself in you.

I am enjoying a lot when I'm with you and I when I find myself in you.

I am murmuring when I'm in a phone-a-distance from you and when I find myself in you.

I am chatting when I'm finding chatboard Hiii with you and when I find myself in you.

I know that You are sleeping a happy night after years now.

I know that now I am in your dreamz and You are behaving like getting bored with my chattar-pattar

I know that now we are in our dream night in your dreamz.

I know that we are very sleepy mood still we are talking so much.

Now I am collecting all the memories of my semester days how those were fantastic as well as painful days as like of our life something tastes bitter and something tastes so sweet.I enjoyed a lot as well got pain a lot feeling your pain of breathing.Sorry I was only in the phone with you but want to go and pat your shoulder every night before sleeping.That night I can't forget.Really I realized that I can't live without you.Those playful nights in the phone and all wo sab ladaai-jhagde I missed those a lot.After those days really I find myself in  "Y" "O" "U".

7th Sem way to feelings...

7th Seme xam ke wo thandi thandi hawa din raat padhte padhte yuhin gujar jaa rahi thi and kab jhagad rahe the to kab padh rahe the aur bich bich me aapko manaanaa achievement ke baatein kar ke ro padnaa. Kya thi wo jindegi jisme thi bahat saare Saraarat thodese majaak aur kuch descent way me padhai.

Crying!!!Crying!!!Crying!!!

I never cried for any momentz even if it was the worst moment in my life before those days when you were not with me . Now you're with me still i've cried for you not bcoz you but bcoz' for the fear of separation .

Sorry!!!Sorry!!Sorry!!!

May be "sorry". This word i've never used in my life.I donno why but may be the reason of not to care anybody and may be the one of the reason is that I hav the faith that usually i was not wrong at all. But in your matter and looking at you "You're always right".

Smile!!!Smile!!!Smile!!!

You and only you are the reason of my smile on my face after many years later may since fro my childhood.Everything what i did and am doing in my life and mostly where i'm now it'z just bcoz of you.

Now I wanna be the cause of your happiness...